By Nancy Plummer, Columnist, The Times
Question: I’m a widow finally ready to date but I’ve never tried online dating and am not sure of the modern expectations. My question is, who pays for the first date?
Abbey – Wayne, PA
Dear Abbey,
I am so sorry for your loss. It takes immense strength to navigate widowhood and to put yourself out there again. I am very happy for you!
This is a great, often anxiety-inducing question. I always advise my male clients to pay for the first few dates, which aligns with a recent poll where 78% of American men say they should pay for the first date. Much of this sentiment comes from social etiquette that whoever asks for the date should treat, which is usually the man.
Over the years, the bigger issue has been when the man has expected the women to split the bill or even pay for it. If that happens, I advise my female clients to speak up and graciously explain that their expectation was that he would pay since social protocol suggests that whoever asks for the date pays for the date. However, if the man insists you split the bill, do so, and think hard about whether or not you wish to have another date with him going forward.
To make things more evident and perhaps less awkward, I suggest to my female clients that at time they are being asked out on a date, whether via text, email, or over a phone call, she says “yes” while affirming that she is accepting his proposal. For example, “Yes, Mark, thanks for asking me out for drinks & appetizers. I’ll meet you this Tuesday 7pm at Gulliftys.” It may sound archaic, but dating etiquette hasn’t changed as much as we think it has. There’s a masculine energy about leading the courtship and in this case, when it comes to men paying for dates, assume that they will and accept their generosity with genuine gratitude. It is important to take the time to share your appreciation for the date and that he paid, especially when on average my male clients go on about 20 dates until finding “the one.”
If the possibility of one person paying sounds financially stressful, plan something together that’s within your budget. There’s no need to plan a fancy dinner just to impress someone, and to be thinking about the bill while you should be enjoying each other’s presence. I usually advise my clients to just meet for a quick drink and appetizer on the first date in order to keep the expenses low and not waste much time if your date and you are not a good fit. If you both end up feeling a great connection and want to continue the date at another venue (more drinks or dinner, etc.), offer to pay for the drinks, desserts, or cab.
Kindly,
Nancy
Question: What are the time expectations of women becoming intimate?
David – Philadelphia
Hi David,
There’s no exact timeline for intimacy, as each person will have their own boundaries and each relationship, its own timelines. The most important thing is to be a gentleman from the get-go. Consent is key! Ask if it’s okay to hold her hand, to kiss her, and to progress into intimacy. At every step of the way, I recommend having open and honest conversations and get consent before moving forward. The easiest way to figure out someone’s timeline is to talk about it.
Even if you move into physical intimacy quickly, sharing your emotions and creating an environment of vulnerability will prevent feelings of loneliness and isolation in the long term.
One thing to consider is that intimacy isn’t synonymous with sex – it can be emotional, intellectual, physical, experiential, and spiritual, and in all cases, requires trust, acceptance, honesty, safety, compassion, affection, and communication.
As you progress in your relationship(s), I suggest you initiate important conversations regarding sex such as STIs, personal boundaries, and protection. As intimidating as it may seem, talking about sex early in the relationship can be safer, easier, more empowering, and fun. And often, good communication leads to a more fulfilling sex life.
Here’s to February – the month to celebrate LOVE!
Kindly,
Nancy
